How Can It Be...

How can it already be July 11?   I don't ever remember the summer moving this fast.  Do you?  Oh wait maybe it did since we are all adults now...

With summer flying so fast, that means school will be starting...again.  I am not sure I am ready for all that just yet.  I am loving my job and they are trying to find a way to keep me, but I will only stay if I can keep making what I am right now. Otherwise it will be back to USD.  Now don't get me wrong I love working with the deaf kids.  They are so much fun and I love them all.  But I am tired of having to worry about having a job or not. This usually happens in January when the state legislation goes in to session and tries to fix the budget  by cutting it in education.  This time it was to legalize aerial cake fireworks. (Hmm, still trying to figure out that one...) It just gets old after a while.

So now I am trying to decide... Rise or USD?  Its all going to depend on who shows me the money!!

Is It Me Or Is It Utah?

I was at summer program today, talking to one of the girls who is over 30 and just married in the last 3 years.  And of course we were talking about being single and over 30.  I was telling her that I fell like the Church had just left the over 30 singles out in the middle of nowhere. If I am not good enough to be married in a timely manner like everyone else then I am not worth the time. There isn't any place for me to go. I am too old for the young single adult wards and nothing applies to me in the family wards. Where do I go?  What do I do?

So...I just don't anymore...

What do you do when you do meet someone and your family or friends says "Well what's wrong with him?" I start thinking 'Do they think the same thing about me too?'

I can't seem to stress enough that this question should never ever come out of anyone's mouth.

I am hard enough on myself, wondering what is wrong with me, why am I not good enough  for someone to love?

Why is it when I am trying my hardest to live and do the right thing, here I sit still alone and unwanted?

I Am So Grateful...

I have been thinking a lot about my friends in Minot North Dakota and the what they are going through. I have been trying to see pictures of the flood to get an idea of how bad it is. But when I hear that some of my friends have had to evacuate, I know it is bad.  One of the houses I lived in, faced the river, which was right across the street from us.  So I am pretty sure it is under water or at least partially under water.  It is sad because people are losing everything.  They have had some warning, but it was much shorter than anticipated.

I have been truly blessed in my life to have never experienced these things. I only have my Heavenly Father to thank.  Now don't get me wrong, I have experienced plenty of trials in my life, and still continue to.

Summer is going by fast... Its hard to believe the 4th of July is in 1 and 1/2 weeks...  Wow where has June gone?  I am busy with Summer Program, coming up with ideas to do with my kids in the community.  Swimming and splash pad is beginning to top the list.  One is free and the other isn't LOL!!  The sun is definitely free!


Tomorrow is payday.  My first BIG pay check for playing in the sun, something just doesn't seem right about this picture, but I am not complaining.  I am grateful to have a job I love doing and that gives me the satisfaction of making a difference in someone else's life.

How Did I Get Here?

Whoa!!  Can it possibly be June already??  Where the heck did the time go?  The family is gone.  They left for St. Louis for the last month and then on to the desert.  I miss them terribly!!  The house is so quiet, sometimes I am not sure what to do.  My sister, (I have now dropped the in-law,) and I have become very close. We had so much fun together.  We did all kinds of fun things like go out to the piano bar in downtown SLC.  It is definitely really quiet. 

We have also moved.  Started looking at houses in February and  spent three months looking for the right house.  The house we finally chose, is small, or so it seemed before the furniture got in there. But it isn't as bad as I first thought. We looked at it about 4 or 5 times, so there was something there.

School quickly came to an end and with the possibility of not having a job in the fall again.  I am really getting sick of it.

So now here we are and it is summer.  I am back at summer camp as the camp lead.  I love it!!  Plus it is good money!!

Today I went hunting and found pink topaz!!  SO fun!!!

Another Year

Another year has passed... Sigh.

The biggest highlight of my birthday, aside from the awesome dinner my sister-in-law made, was all the birthday wishes from my many friends I have met over the years.  From the time I was a little school age girl until today. The messages start rolling in pretty early.  I think by the end of the night I had over 50 messages.  I tried to respond back to them all, but it became a little tough.

There was still one thing missing and even though it is a good thing that it is missing, I still had a little bit of sadness.  My used to be friend.  We always did cool things for our birthdays.

I think of her now and then, and wonder if she even cares that our friendship is over, I mean after all, she chose to end it first (over something another friend of hers did)  and then I ended it permanently.
But we all have our times in someone else's life.

So now I need to decide what I am going to accomplish this year.  I want to make it a great year, the best yet.

Oh I have a few hopes, but I can't accomplish those myself.  So I will work on the ones I can do myself.

1.  New car with better financing.

2. A job that realizes my potential and my worth....aka: a better paying job

3.  More friends to go out with.  I have a few, but I need more.

4.  To be happy while making changes in my life.

I have thought long and hard about my life and the direction it is going in.  I don't like it, so I am going to change it.

IF IT IS TO BE.... IT'S UP TO ME!!!!

Where Am I?

The last 6 weeks have been, to say the least very eventful.  We had 3 trips to the ER,  2 resulting in  hospital stays,  a 2 year old birthday weekend, a skunk killing in the middle of the afternoon, on the front porch and last not to mention the yelling, screaming,  and lots of loud cartoons and video games,  Then the loads upon loads of laundry and so much chicken, my dad says he cannot eat another piece!!

The kids are finally able to get outside and play, it is still muddy, but warming up.


I have to keep reminding myself to keep the bathroom door locked, if I don't want to scar my nephews, (who do not know how to knock)  for life.  They are good boys but its is rough on them not having their daddy around.

Then there is the Princess, who if things aren't going her way, her answer is to scream,  throw things, tear things up, and last night she tore the clothes out of her closet and went to sleep AFTER she took her WET diaper off and threw it over the baby gate in to the hallway.  My sister-in-law found her asleep in her bed with her little butt cheeks hanging out.  It was classic!

 I love my family, I really do, but sometimes it is a little overwhelming and exhausting. From the time I get home, I am on the go until I get in to bed, and even then I am up a couple of times before finally settling down.

Sometimes, I feel like I have no escape.  No where to hide from it all.  I have found myself not rushing home after school, just for a few extra me time minutes.

Unfortunately, I have plenty of time to think, reflect and become depressed of where my life is going.

17 years ago... or is it 18?  Anyway years ago, when I was getting ready for graduation day, if you had asked where I saw myself in 5, 10 17 or 18 years, I would  have  replied with:

Married- to my loving and devoting eternal companion
A mommy a half dozen awesome babies
A nice house
A career
a few good friends

I used to imagine myself sitting in Sacrament meeting with my husband's arm around me, and on my disappearing lap from my pregnant belly,  a 3 year old looking at a quiet book.

But here I am today, I am about a week away from my 30-something birthday, living with my family because I barely make enough money to pay rent, let alone utilities, food or a car payment and alone.  No eternal companion, no half a dozen babies.  (A few dogs who do love me unconditionally)  And a job that I like, but doesn't offer benefits or a future.

A few good friends?  Yep!!

Happy Single's Day

Yes, it is the every single unattached person's nightmare aside from a wedding.

That's right, It is Valentine's Day...again.

Recently, I am going to call him an acquaintance from high school, made contact with me and we began talking and just being friends.  He would text me in the morning when he got home from his job that was a grocery truck un-loader in Ferguson.

Now mind you he has issues....lots of them.

But I was just being a friend and listening ear.  I invited him to come visit, just to give him a chance to get out of Ferguson, and  to see Utah.  He won't commit, he has all kinds of excuses, but he continues to make the plans.  Finally when the deadline was coming to get the cheaper ticket, he gets a DUI.  (One of his issues.)  And of course I was not holding my breath because I was getting all kinds of stories.  And it was fine that he wasn't coming, because life in my house was getting ready to change.  So I went on with my life and continued to text and talk with him.

Then suddenly he grew quiet.  I tried texting him, calling him. But not one answer.  I tried once a week.

And then on Tuesday afternoon, I get a text from him that says "Leave me alone, don't talk to me or contact me again. I am in a serious relationship."  Of course my response was from shock, "What the hell did I do, FRIEND?"  He says "Just leave me alone and don't contact me again. I'm sorry"  Now I am pissed.  So I tell him to F off and "I sure hope she can deal with your self pity drunkenness." He thinks he can get me by saying " F you. I hope you eat yourself as big as a blimp."  I laugh, this does not bother me in the least bit.  Me: " That didn't hurt.  At least I know how to live." And then the girlfriend steps in and I just wish her luck.

Because she is going to need it.

He has wallowed in self-pity, drunkenness, I-am-the-victim mentality since his wife left him over 10 years ago.  He hasn't had any kind of significant relationship since that time. He hasn't improved his life in any way.  I guess he should go eat worms.... oops sorry, my dad would sing that to us, when we were little ans whining about nobody liking us.

I have worked hard over the years to change myself. To be happy with the hand I am holding right now, but I am always drawing new cards.  It is not easy, believe me.  I still have my days.  I am facing a hard hand now on the eve of my next birthday.

Valentine's Day is STUPID!

I don't need Valentine' day to know I am special or that I matter in someone's life.  I see it everyday when one of my students understands the concept I just taught them, or when my little dogs all run to my room, knowing it is time for snuggling in bed.  Or when my nephews and niece run and greet me as I walk in the door.

I don't need Valentine's day let someone know I love them.   I let them know everyday of the year.  Its by the little things that we do for each other.

And I DON'T NEED a man.

I never said I didn't want one....LOL!


So my many readers (lol)  Happy Single's Day!!!