Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Another Year

Another year has passed... Sigh.

The biggest highlight of my birthday, aside from the awesome dinner my sister-in-law made, was all the birthday wishes from my many friends I have met over the years.  From the time I was a little school age girl until today. The messages start rolling in pretty early.  I think by the end of the night I had over 50 messages.  I tried to respond back to them all, but it became a little tough.

There was still one thing missing and even though it is a good thing that it is missing, I still had a little bit of sadness.  My used to be friend.  We always did cool things for our birthdays.

I think of her now and then, and wonder if she even cares that our friendship is over, I mean after all, she chose to end it first (over something another friend of hers did)  and then I ended it permanently.
But we all have our times in someone else's life.

So now I need to decide what I am going to accomplish this year.  I want to make it a great year, the best yet.

Oh I have a few hopes, but I can't accomplish those myself.  So I will work on the ones I can do myself.

1.  New car with better financing.

2. A job that realizes my potential and my worth....aka: a better paying job

3.  More friends to go out with.  I have a few, but I need more.

4.  To be happy while making changes in my life.

I have thought long and hard about my life and the direction it is going in.  I don't like it, so I am going to change it.


Friday, March 11, 2011

Where Am I?

The last 6 weeks have been, to say the least very eventful.  We had 3 trips to the ER,  2 resulting in  hospital stays,  a 2 year old birthday weekend, a skunk killing in the middle of the afternoon, on the front porch and last not to mention the yelling, screaming,  and lots of loud cartoons and video games,  Then the loads upon loads of laundry and so much chicken, my dad says he cannot eat another piece!!

The kids are finally able to get outside and play, it is still muddy, but warming up.

I have to keep reminding myself to keep the bathroom door locked, if I don't want to scar my nephews, (who do not know how to knock)  for life.  They are good boys but its is rough on them not having their daddy around.

Then there is the Princess, who if things aren't going her way, her answer is to scream,  throw things, tear things up, and last night she tore the clothes out of her closet and went to sleep AFTER she took her WET diaper off and threw it over the baby gate in to the hallway.  My sister-in-law found her asleep in her bed with her little butt cheeks hanging out.  It was classic!

 I love my family, I really do, but sometimes it is a little overwhelming and exhausting. From the time I get home, I am on the go until I get in to bed, and even then I am up a couple of times before finally settling down.

Sometimes, I feel like I have no escape.  No where to hide from it all.  I have found myself not rushing home after school, just for a few extra me time minutes.

Unfortunately, I have plenty of time to think, reflect and become depressed of where my life is going.

17 years ago... or is it 18?  Anyway years ago, when I was getting ready for graduation day, if you had asked where I saw myself in 5, 10 17 or 18 years, I would  have  replied with:

Married- to my loving and devoting eternal companion
A mommy a half dozen awesome babies
A nice house
A career
a few good friends

I used to imagine myself sitting in Sacrament meeting with my husband's arm around me, and on my disappearing lap from my pregnant belly,  a 3 year old looking at a quiet book.

But here I am today, I am about a week away from my 30-something birthday, living with my family because I barely make enough money to pay rent, let alone utilities, food or a car payment and alone.  No eternal companion, no half a dozen babies.  (A few dogs who do love me unconditionally)  And a job that I like, but doesn't offer benefits or a future.

A few good friends?  Yep!!